l o v e

what a funny word, with such a varied meaning. when i think of love, i think of characters in a TV show. something that can't possibly be real, in my life. then i think how sad that is. like i am not capable of love. sometimes i feel like loving somebody else, really loving somebody, takes so much strength and self acceptance. but sometimes, people love in a way of fraud, like an addiction, trying to give themselves happiness through giving themselves entirely to somebody else. you can't possibly 'live for somebody', can you?

i want to fall in love. i want to find somebody who loves me, and we can lie in bed doing nothing but breathe. we will travel, and have a house, or apartment together. i wish i could meet somebody who cared for me so - but i already have! how silly of me to forget. then it is just me incapable, maybe because i know exactly what i want, and he is not it. why should i settle for somebody whom is not what i wish. i will find somebody who makes me weak, in a good way. where we can explore and laugh and be. i haven't found them, but i am still young, seventeen. if anybody my age has found somebody they feel that way for, i can only send them happiness, for they have what i want.

sometimes i wish i was in a TV show. the land of stories and imagination seems to perfect, sometimes. everything comes to a neat close at the end of thirty minutes, or an hour. maybe i am just lonely.