Wednesday, December 9, 2009

a longing

something has come over me, like a wave in the ocean, pulling me under. i can't breathe. it's so sleepy under the water. i am so tired. i lust for sleep. which is strange. i have so many ideas, and thoughts ... but i can't move. my eyes are being pulled shut. i'm kept away from the world. only swirls of noise and light enter my brain. shut the door. i don't want to here the noise, or see the light.

i drove the car in the middle of the night, 3 o'clock. it was so lovely. why wasn't i sleeping? i don't know. i came home and slept for hours. a day. something is happening again. my crazy thoughts of death and dying. it would be so peaceful, and lovely. but i cannot think that! how silly of me. but i do. it is there. the option of death. i have many strong pills saved up. i would go so quickly. how morbid.

when things are too tight, everybody is squeezing something out of my, so much pressure. talking and planning. but i am asking for help. i think i need some. it is MY life. but what is my life? is my life really just sleeping all the time? what happened to the beautiful girl i thought i was...?

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